


Tales Of The Gay Group Chat

by disloyalorderoftrash



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: F/M, High School AU, Homophobia, M/M, alcohol mention, also get ready for a shit ton of references, sex mention, they're all about the same age, this is trash i'm sorry, trash group chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 12:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 13,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6116986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disloyalorderoftrash/pseuds/disloyalorderoftrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>northern george has changed the group name to „Bible Studies: Strictly No Sin!“</p>
<p>patrick no i'm not a tree has joined the chat, invited by northern george</p>
<p>northern george: welcome to our religious group! We do not engage in sins such as premarital intercourse, let alone homosexual sodomy. The only book we will ever need is the Holy Bible.<br/>patrick no i'm not a tree: oh my god<br/>northern george: exactly</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i was procrastinating while writing something else and this garbage mess is the result, i don't know why i'm posting it but i hope someone enjoys

# Tales Of The Gay Group Chat

### 1

bread man urine has changed the name to “beebo's coming out”

northern george has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine  
actually jon has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine  
peet wents has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine  
patrick no i'm not a tree has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine  
dan the meme has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine  
filip angel bean has joined the chat, invited by bread man urine

peet wents: hi nerds  
dan the meme: pete please this is offensive i'm not a nerd i'm emo  
northern george: we already have like twenty group chats brendon why  
bread man urine: i need to tell you something guys  
peet wents: i have absolutely NO idea what it's gonna be i'm so EXCITED  
bread man urine: i'm serious  
bread man urine: you're my best friends and the people i trust the most so i figured you should know this  
bread man urine: so well i think i'm gay  
peet wents: wow what a surprise i think i need to sit down for a minute  
patrick no i'm not a tree: pete you're literally sitting next to me  
northern george: so you made a group chat just for that  
northern george: to tell us what we already know  
bread man urine: wtf how did you know  
filip angel bean: yesterday you saw the new history teacher and told me you want to fuck him  
actually jon: you tried to make out with me when you were drunk at this party  
northern george: also you literally named the group chat „beebo's coming out“  
bread man urine: oh yeah right

northern george has changed the group name to „beebo is gay“

northern george: same btw  
peet wents: i'm a door that goes both ways  
filip angel bean: idk i think me too but i don't want to label myself or anything  
actually john: i'm a goddamn door that's closed and no one can open it  
dan the meme: haha patrick it seems like we're the only heteros in here *sweats nervously*  
patrick no i'm not a tree: straight high five  
peet wents: great why don't you go have heterosexual sex and many heterosexual babies

northern george has changed the group name to „everything is gay“

dan the meme: that's not true i'm not  
actually jon: everyone ships dan and phil even our teachers  
dan the meme: wtf what  
actually jon: mrs hudson once walked up to me and pointed at you two sitting on a bench and asked me „jon you're their friend aren't you? can you tell me if they're dating because all the teachers are wondering“  
dan the meme: i hope you said no???  
actually jon: haha yes of course  
dan the meme: jon  
actually jon: well i said „they claim they aren't but everybody thinks so i mean look at them“  
dan the meme: seriously  
dan the meme: well sorry to disappoint all you shippers and fanfiction writers but we're JUST FRIENDS. jfc can't you be friends with someone in peace??  
dan the meme: fyi i am NOT into guys i like vagina  
filip angel bean: dan chill  
dan the meme: phil tell them we're just friends  
filip angel bean: of course  
peet wents: i smell denial  
bread man urine: you better shut up or dan will fight you  
dan the meme: i actually will


	2. Chapter 2

### 2

peet wents: hi fuckers i need help  
peet wents: there's this really cute guy in my drama class does anyone happen to know if he's gay  
northern george: oh yes that guy i totally know who you mean  
bread man urine: from salty ryan to normal english that translates to „tell us his name“  
peet wents: his name is mikey  
peet wents: mikey way  
dan the meme: milky way  
peet wents: shut up  
filip angel bean: his brother gerard is in my biology class  
filip angel bean: do you want me to add him to the chat so we can ask him

g way has joined the chat, invited by filip angel bean

g way: um hello?  
g way: why am i here phil just said you needed my help  
bread man urine: you're mikey way's brother right  
g way: technically yes but i'd prefer it if you could refer to me with gender neutral words like sibling and they/them pronouns that would be very nice because male feels really wrong to me  
bread man urine: oh shit dude i'm so sorry i should've asked  
bread man urine: sorry again i call everyone dude it's a habit  
g way: no problem i get that all the time and most people aren't as accepting as you  
g way: so what did you need my help for  
northern george: pete wants to bang your brother  
peet wents: shut up george ryan ross the third no i don't  
northern george: yes you do peter lewis kingston wentz the third  
peet wents: no i don't  
peet wents: i want to date him hold hands with him look at the stars together and hug and kiss him  
northern george: stop i'm vomiting  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i ship it  
g way: what the hell is going on  
filip angel bean: so we wanted to know if you could tell us about mikey's sexuality  
g way: oh right um i think he's questioning it? he hasn't found a lable yet but he told me he's probably interested in guys too  
patrick no i'm not a tree: sounds good pete  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i need a ship name  
g way: you guys are weird  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i know but will you support us in our efforts to make pete/mikey become real  
patrick no i'm not a tree: petekey  
g way: yes  
peet wents: i hate you patrick  
northern george: relatable


	3. Chapter 3

### 3

g way: i told my boyfriend about the group chat and he asked if he can join because he wants to support mission petekey  
g way. is it okay if i add him  
bread man urine: young blood is always good

frnki has joined the chat, invited by g way

frnki: hello  
northern george: out of all the things you could say to make a good first impression this is what you choose  
bread man urine: stop being such a fucking asshole ryan  
northern george: suck my dick  
bread man urine: challenge accepted  
actually jon: aren't you frank from my calculus class?  
frnki: yes ugh don't you hate mr smith too  
actually jon: who doesn't  
actually jon: anyways welcome to the group chat but be warned the people in here are very weird  
dan the meme: except saint jon of course  
peet wents: guys i think i'll ask mikey out after drama tomorrow i'm scared hELP ME  
frnki: you can do this  
filip angel bean: we believe in you!!  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you go dude  
dan the meme: *shia laboeuf voice* just DO IT  
g way: if he says no i'll to kick his ass  
dan the meme: savage  
g way: no but for real he isn't going to say no because i mean you're a nice guy and good looking too  
frnki: um excuse me  
g way: i just mean, like, objectively  
g way: to me you're still better looking of course  
frnki: <3  
peet wents: thnks for the support yall


	4. Chapter 4

### 4

patrick no i'm not a tree: ryan can you send me the literature homework i haven't read the book  
patrick no i'm not a tree: ryan  
patrick no i'm not a tree: where the hell are brendon and ryan they haven't been online for an hour  
dan the meme: maybe a teacher caught them texting and took their phones  
patrick no i'm not a tree: it's eight p.m. and no one is at school dan  
dan the meme: oh right  
northern george: hey i'm back wait a second patrick  
patrick no i'm not a tree: what the fuck where you doing  
northern george: having my dick sucked by brendon  
bread man urine: NO  
peet wents: WHAT  
dan the meme: WHAT  
filip angel bean: WHAT THE  
patrick no i'm not a tree: W HAT IS GOIGN ON  
bread man urine: it's true i mean he had told me to suck his dick so i went over to his house and did exactly that  
frnki: that escalated quickly  
patrick no i'm not a tree: why do my poor virgin eyes have to read such sin  
peet wents: hypocrite you always tell me about fucking your girlfriend it's not like i wanna hear that  
frnki: my only question is why did it take you an hour  
northern george: brendon's dick sucking technique still has to improve  
bread man urine: SHUT THE FUCK UP RYAN LITERALLY DIE

patrick no i'm not a tree has left the chat

northern george has changed the group name to „Bible Studies: Strictly No Sin!“

patrick no i'm not a tree has joined the chat, invited by northern george

northern george: welcome to our religious group! We do not engage in sins such as premarital intercourse, let alone homosexual sodomy. The only book we will ever need is the Holy Bible.  
patrick no i'm not a tree: oh my god  
northern george: exactly  
bread man urine: stop making fun of it you're making me uncomfortable  
peet wents: since when have you been religious beebs  
bread man urine: i'm not but my parents are mormons and brought me up like that so there is still the fear somewhere i won't go to heaven if i keep sinning like this  
frnki: there's no heaven  
northern george: if you wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight  
patrick no i'm not a tree: STOP  
northern george: but even if there is a god we're all just small insignificant humans and he can't care about every single one

northern george changed the group name to „we're all to small to talk to god“

dan the meme: how did we go from sucking dick to existential crisis this group i s2g


	5. Chapter 5

### 5

peet wents: ASDGJLLSKGE  
peet wents: OHMY GO D GUYS  
peet wents: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
actually jon: are you okay  
peet wents: YES I AM OKAY VERY OKAY I PROMISE  
actually jon: what happened  
peet wents: HE SAID YES  
peet wents: I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO DRINK A COFFEE WITH ME AND HE SMILED AND SAID YES OF COURSE  
peet wents: "OF COURSE" OMG  
patrick no i'm not a tree: MY OTP IS HAPPENING  
filip angel bean: i would like to inform you that i am sitting next to patrick in calculus and he just legit looked at his phone and screamed  
actually jon: i'm here too and the teacher looked at him really weirdly  
patrick no i'm not a tree: let me fangirl in peace???  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i'm sorry but my otp is more important than calculus  
dan the meme: relatable  
filip angel bean: so when is your date?  
peet wents: thursday and i don't know what to do i'm so excited i'm gonna die  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you're so cute omggg  
dan the meme: patrick no offense but how the fuck are you a straight male  
patrick no i'm not a tree: because i identify as male and am solely attracted to female persons?  
patrick no i'm not a tree: fuck your stereotypes  
patrick no i'm not a tree: sweaty :)  
peet wents: #rekt


	6. Chapter 6

### 6

northern george: listen i fucking love the beatles i fucking love them i don't give a fuck if that's not emo because i can be fucking emo and still fucking love the beatles okay  
dan the meme: wtf  
northern george: i'm listening to abbey road and i wanted to tell you that i fucking love this album and the beatles  
dan the meme: yeah i think i got the message  
northern george: and i want someone to fuck me to "i want you"  
dan the meme: same  
peet wents: attention everyone dan just admitted he's a bottom  
dan the meme: no??? i'm straight as i told you before  
peet wents: sure jan  
bread man urine: i'm on my way ry  
dan the meme: wtf  
peet wents: so are you dating now or what  
northern george: haha idk are we dating beebo  
northern george: brendon  
northern george: brendon what are we  
bread man urine: can we talk about that in fifteen minutes or something because i bet you thought i was kidding but i'm actually standing at your door please let me in  
northern george: sure bye guys see you in a few minutes  
dan the meme: what are they doing  
peet wents: butt secks  
dan the meme: ugh  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i was gone for an hour what did i miss  
patrick no i'm not a tree: actually i don't care but what i wanted to say was that my parents aren't home on friday so do you want to come over to party?  
dan the meme: if by party you mean watch movies in our pajamas and ice cream instead of alcohol then yes  
filip angel bean: same dan  
patrick no i'm not a tree: that's what i was going for actually  
actually jon: i can't be there it's my grandma's birthday and my mom is forcing me to go there i'm sorry  
peet wents: i never have plans for any friday evening so yes  
frnki: me too  
g way: same and can i bring a friend because there are not enough girls in this group  
g way: she's very cool and adores ryan and brendon  
northern george: in that case please invite her  
peet wents: oh hi you're back  
bread man urine: hahah yes we're back and i don't know if ryan will be able to walk for the next days haha  
northern george: just shut up of course i will be able to walk you aren't THAT good my dude  
bread man urine: wow wow do you want me to punish you  
northern george: yes  
patrick no i'm not a tree: STOP  
dan the meme: i'm kinkshaming


	7. Chapter 7

### 7

peet wents: TODAY IS THURSDAY DO U KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS  
dan the meme: it means pete chill it's 7 a.m.  
peet wents: I DON''T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR  
peet wents: TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD WEAR  
dan the meme: wear nothing at all  
peet wents: isn't anyone else awake except this sarcastic bitch  
dan the meme: no  
peet wents: great thanks for leaving me alone on this day  
dan the meme: it's just a date calm down pete  
peet wents: HOW COULD I

bread man urine: hi i'm in history and i'm bored somebody entertain me  
frnki: here's a fun history fact  
bread man urine: wow i can't wait to hear it  
frnki: did you know napoleon wasn't only really short but also had a small penis  
g way: just like you  
bread man urine: I'M SCREAMING  
frnki: BITCH I HATE YOU  
g way: nothing but the truth  
frnki: I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU  
bread man urine: STOP I'M LAUGHING AND I THINK THE TEACHER JUST SAW ME TEXTING  
bread man urine: if i don't reply it's because she took my phone  
g way: are you still here beebo  
frnki: brendon are you here  
g: i think he's gone  
frnki: we lost a brave soldier today  
peet wents: JUST AN HOUR LEFT UNTIL SCHOOL IS OVER AND WE MEET


	8. Chapter 8

### 8

northern george: i think pete is about to jump out of a window  
peet wents: you're actually right  
patrick no i'm not a tree: come on peter you can do this  
peet wents: mikey is standing there waiting for me i need to walk up to him and say hi omg omg omg  
dan the meme: *shia laboeuf voice* just DO IT  
northern george: he walked to him and said hi and mikey smiled  
g way: he smiled? wow that's rare  
northern george: i think they're leaving the school let's follow them jon  
patrick no i'm not a tree: wait for me!!! i'll be there in a minute  
northern george: hurry up  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i'm here and they're entering pete's car so we're following them in ryan's car  
actually jon: it seems like they're driving to starbucks  
g way: they are pete said so  
actually jon: ryan is telling me to tell you all that that's not emo and punk rock at all but very basic bitchy  
actually jon: he can't text because he's driving  
dan the meme: what's the problem about going to starbucks?? tell ryan to stop judging people just because of their preference in drinks  
actually jon: ryan says you're a prep and he's putting up his middlefinger at you  
patrick no i'm not a tree: THEY'RE LEAVING THE CAR AND ENTERING STARBUCKS  
northern george: if we park outside we can see their table through the window that's great  
g way: what's happening?  
patrick no i'm not a tree: nothing so far, they're talking and mikey keeps smiling  
patrick no i'm not a tree: pete still looks like he's about to throw up but he seems less nervous than before  
g way: if mikey is smiling that means a lot believe me he's my brother and i've known him for all his life  
g way: if he's smiling it's either because of food or because he genuinely likes someone  
patrick no i'm not a tree: they're staring into each others eyes while talking  
patrick no i'm not a tree: this ís getting intense  
dan the meme: otp vibes  
northern george: omg i think they're about to kiss

1 photo attached by northern george

patrick no i'm not a tree: OHMY GOD AHHHHHHHHHHH  
patrick no i'm not a tree: THEY JUST KISSED FOR LIKE A SECOND AND THEN SMILED AT EACH OTHER REALLY SHYLY AND I'M SCREMAING  
northern george: you're probably assuming patrick is exaggerating but no. he's actually screaming and i'm fearing for jon's and my own ears  
g way: THEY KISSED I'M SO HAPPY FOR MY LIL BRO  
filip angel bean: I'M SO HAPPY TOO  
dan the meme: i think you could say mikey way is now pete's mikey bae

dan the meme has been removed from the chat

bread man urine: i just had to get my phone back from the headmaster this is the most embarrassing experience of my life  
bread man urine: "why did you use your phone in class?" "i... don't know" "you know the school rules don't you" "yes ma'am it won't happen again" oh man  
bread man urine: anyway what happened is everyone still alive  
patrick no i'm not a tree: petekey happened and no  
bread man urine: nice


	9. Chapter 9

### 9

frnki: hey losers you know what  
frnki: it's party time today  
g way: i invited this girl i told you about, is it okay if i add her to the chat  
bread man urine: wait a second

bread man urine has changed the group name to „TIME TO PARTY“

bread man urine: go ahead

don't call me ashley has joined the chat, invited by g way

don't call me ashley: hi!! i'm halsey  
northern george: hi ashley  
don't call me ashley: i will fight you literally die ryan  
bread man urine: ryan lives up to his tradition of greeting new group members in an asshole manner  
don't call me ashley: i'm just kidding i love you ryan ross you're my fave  
northern george: aw i'm flattered  
bread man urine: your fave is problematic  
g way: welcome to the weirdest group chat in existence halsey  
filip angel bean: hello halsey!! tell us something about yourself since most of us don't know you  
don't call me ashley: um  
don't call me ashley: i'm a year younger than most of you, i'm libra, i'm biracial and bipolar, also i'm kind of gay  
don't call me ashley: well actually i think i'm bisexual but girls are just cuter  
don't call me ashley: idk what to say i'm not interesting, just wait until you get to know me today  
bread man urine: looking forward to it  
northern george: biology is so boring, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell that's all i need to know  
northern george: someone in here do something interesting  
northern george: dan shout penis or something i'll buy you a pizza  
northern george: where's dan  
bread man urine: you removed him from the chat yesterday dumb walnut  
northern george: oh yeah

dan the meme has joined the chat, invited by northern george

dan the meme: i hate you all  
don't call me ashley: hi dan i'm new i'm halsey  
dan the meme: hi ashley  
don't call me ashley: oh my god i think i'm going to leave again


	10. Chapter 10

### 10

patrick no i'm not a tree: where are you all we said we'd meet at 7 p.m. and it's 7.20  
dan the meme: did you honestly expect anyone in this group to be on time  
peet wents: if you don't come soon we won't leave you any ben and jerry's  
dan the meme: oh shit i'll be there in two minutes  
actually jon: i want to be there too but i'm sitting in a car with my mom driving to grandma for her birthday tomorrow  
peet wents: that's so not punk rock  
actually jon: i know but please keep me updated what's happening because i have literally nothing to do and if i don't get a distraction i will commit a murder as soon as my mother plays the next abba song

1 video attached by actually jon

actually jon: fucking dancing queen my ass i don't care if you're young and sweet and only seventeen just shut up  
peet wents: if jon sends more than one message per minute and an actual video it must be serious, please don't kill anyone we need you out of jail  
actually jon: i'm trying my best, just distract me please  
patrick no i'm not a tree: dan and phil just arrived and dan immediately stole my ice cream and is currently sitting in the corner and eating  
dan the meme: it's not even real ben and jerry's you filthy liar  
dan the meme: if you thought that would stop me from eating it well hah bitch you thought  
patrick no i'm not a tree: frank gee and halsey arrived together  
peet wents: brendon and ryan if you're not here soon we'll watch high school musical without you  
don't call me ashley: let's try to summon them  
don't call me ashley: BRENDON URIE  
don't call me ashley: RYAN ROSS  
don't call me ashley: I'M CALLING YOU  
filip angel bean: BRENDON  
dan the meme: RYAN  
peet wents: oh look the bottom is calling for the bottom  
dan the meme: die pete  
frnki: RYAN AND BRENDON  
bread man urine: chill guys just wait a few minutes i'm doing stuff  
northern george: i'm stuff  
actually jon: do you two ever stop having sex ugh  
bread man urine: no  
g way: remember when we were like that frank  
frnki: yeah one or two years we wanted to fuck whenever we met and now it's more like "hey it's valentine's day and we haven't had sex in two weeks wanna bang" "hm nah too exhausting" "you're right i don't actually want to either let's just order pizza"  
g way: i swear we're an old married couple  
don't call me ashley: goals tbh


	11. Chapter 11

### 11

patrick no i'm not a tree: they're here finally

1 photo attached by peet wents

peet wents: i'm sure you've always wanted to know what ryan's sex hair looks like well no longer will you be denied this knowledge  
actually jon: i'm asexual as fuck and kind of sex repulsed so no actually not but thanks anyway  
northern george: stop taking pictures of me pete you stalker  
filip angel bean: we're complete now do you know what that means  
dan the meme: WILDCATS  
peet wents: WILDCATS  
patrick no i'm not a tree: WILDCATS  
don't call me ashley: WILDCATS  
g way: WILDCATS  
patrick no i'm not a tree: WILDCATS  
actually jon: you're all such dorks i love you  
actually jon: ((platonically))  
patrick no i'm not a tree: ryan and brendon are making out on the couch and halsey literally started screaming and hyperventilating  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i'm actually worried

1 video attached by patrick no i'm not a tree

actually jon: holy shit do you need an ambulance  
don't call me ashley: i'm okay it's just holy fuck oh man  
don't call me ashley: i ship them with my life  
don't call me ashley: ryden 4ever  
bread man urine: our ship name is ryden? why not rydon  
don't call me ashley: idk that looks ugly and i don't like ugly words  
northern george: it's funny because ryden sounds like riding and i do that a lot  
actually jon: omg i don't want to know stuff like that  
northern george: you're in the wrong group chat then  
actually jon: yeah i guess  
actually jon: i'm still staying because i don't have any other friends  
dan the meme: literally me  
bread man urine: our ship name should actually be bryan  
don't call me ashley: holy shit why did i never think of that  
don't call me ashley: well too late now


	12. Chapter 12

### 12

patrick no i'm not a tree: okay what the heck are dan and phil doing in the bathroom  
peet wents: id assume phil is doing dan but hey what do i know  
actually jon: what happened stop making me curious  
don't call me ashley: we were just watching high school musical in peace (and by in peace i mean singing along dramatically to every song)  
don't call me ashley: brendon and ryan were (and still are) sort of dry humping on the couch while frnk and gee were sharing their ice cream and bickering like the old married couple they are  
g way: that's not really relevant right now ashley  
don't call me ashley: don't call me ashley  
patrick no i'm not a tree: well anyway phil said he needed to shower and change into his pajamas so he got up and went to the bathroom  
peet wents: and a few minutes later dan said he needed to get something from the bathroom and now they've been gone for twenty minutes  
actually jon: wHY AM I HERE IN THE FUCKING CAR AND NOT WITH YOU  
actually jon: I'M PHAN SHIPPER #1  
peet wents: you know what we should go upstairs and listen at the bathroom door  
patrick no i'm not a tree: we can't do that  
peet wents: they're in your house so you can do what you want right  
peet wents: i say we're listening at the bathroom door and i know you want it too  
patrick no i'm not a tree: ok fine but don't blame me if they're angry  
don't call me ashley: i'm coming with you and filming the mission for jonny boy  
g way: i'm coming too of course  
don't call me ashley: stop the dvd frank let's just leave beebo and ryro here they won't even notice

1 photo attached by peet wents

peet wents: in case you wanted to know what it looks like when they're too distracted to notice anything jon  
actually jon: i didn't want to know but well  
actually jon: sigh  
don't call me ashley: i'm still close to screaming whenever i look at them  
don't call me ashley: otp  
frnki: let's hurry up and go upstairs, who knows how long they'll take  
peet wents: the secret agents are slowly making their way to the secret door  
patrick no i'm not a tree: halsey is filming every step, she'll send the video later jon  
peet wents: we're approaching the bathroom  
g way: is it my imagination or are you hearing that too  
patrick no i'm not a tree: no i can hear it too  
actually jon: what are you hearing please tell me this tension is unbearable  
peet wents: the shower seems to be on  
actually jon: seriously that's all???  
peet wents: no  
patrick no i'm not a tree: it sounds like someone is screaming and moaning  
frnki: i think it's dan's voice  
peet wents: oh man shit this sounds kinky  
peet wents: i always thought dan would be loud but not that loud  
peet wents: ngl i'm kind of turned on right now  
patrick no i'm not a tree: PETE  
g way: shit it stopped i think they heard us  
peet wents: we're not even talking we're just texting  
g way: oh right  
patrick no i'm not a tree: but still let's go downstairs before they leave the room to find us hovering outside like overprotective parents  
actually john: who knew the boring car trip would become this intense


	13. Chapter 13

### 13

frnki: dan just came down the stairs with his hair all wet and curly and trying to look innocent  
peet wents: ikr it's adorable  
patrick no i'm not a tree: wait i just realised he can read the whole conversation on his phone  
patrick no i'm not a tree: we should have removed them from the chat before the mission  
don't call me ashley: we didn't think this through  
peet wents: you're shitty secret agents  
don't call me ashley: because you're better pete  
frnki: he has picked up his phone damn  
actually jon: distract him????  
peet wents: too late ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
dan the meme: yup  
actually jon: HI DAN  
dan the meme: listen guys i don't know what you heard or think you heard but it definitely wasn't me and phil having sex  
peet wents: .......  
frnki: of course  
don't call me ashley: yeah definitely  
g way: sounds true  
peet wents: phil just arrived to all of us staring at him and he's torn between trying to look innocent and total confusion  
actually jon: thanks for the liveticker pete  
peet wents: no prob mate  
filip angel bean: shit  
don't call me ashley: just admit it stop lying guys  
dan the meme: admit what exactly  
peet wents: ....................................  
filip angel bean: dan  
dan the meme: oh my god FINE  
dan the meme: phil fucked me in the shower and it was the most fun i've ever had. happy?  
don't call me ashley: VERY HAPPY  
don't call me ashley: OTP  
peet wents: did you get that nut?  
dan the meme: shut up pete  
dan the meme: just so you know: this wasn't planned, i actually wanted to get my handlotion from the bathroom because my hands were dry as fuck but then phil was there about to go in the shower and it kinda just happened??  
filip angel bean: i guess a few years of bottled up sexual tension just exploded  
dan the meme: beautifully phrased phil  
peet wents: „fyi i'm not attracted to guys“  
northern george: „i like vagina“  
patrick no i'm not a tree: „looks like we're the only heteros“  
bread man urine: „i'm straight haha“  
dan the meme: stop this is cyberbullying  
bread man urine: can ryan and i use the bathroom too  
northern george: yeah we gotta shower  
northern george: we're dirty  
patrick no i'm not a tree: omg my house is not a sex club  
patrick no i'm not a tree: but well if that means you stop making out like this... go ahead  
bread man urine: NICE  
bread man urine: don't listen at the door  
northern george: i wouldn't mind  
peet wents: kinky


	14. Chapter 14

### 14

actually jon: and now i just sit in silence  
don't call me ashley: sorry nothing is happening we're just watching hsm  
don't call me ashley: pete is smiling at his phone like insane  
don't call me ashley: being in love isn't very punk rock dude  
peet wents: leave me alone??  
patrick no i'm not a tree: HE'S IN LOVE PETER IS IN LOVE  
g way: why isn't mikey in the chat

mikey bae has joined the chat, invited by g way

mikey bae: what up  
peet wents: HI ♥ ♡  
mikey bae: <333  
northern george: disgusting  
actually jon: you back from the shower ryan  
bread man urine: yep  
bread man urine: in fact it was the bathtub  
patrick no i'm not a tree: ffs i don't want to know but i hope you cleaned up  
northern george: do you have milk somewhere patrick  
peet wents: is this some kind of kink  
northern george: no man i just wanna drink some milk okay  
patrick no i'm not a tree: in the fridge go get it yourself  
don't call me ashley: so what exactly are you brendon and ryan? are you dating or what??  
bread man urine: um i guess ry what do you think  
northern george: i think we're dating  
bread man urine: i mean i want to fuck you all the time but i'd also spend time with you when you're dressed so i think that means we're dating  
bread man urine: i'd even go to the movies with you and maybe share my food  
northern george: we're goals guys you can't deny it  
don't call me ashley: i'm screaming bye  
don't call me ashley: you're so cute  
peet wents: update for jonny boy: hsm is over and we're just sitting here and don't know what to do with our lives  
don't call me ashley: let's play truth or dare or spin the bottle or something  
dan the meme: idk about you but i'm tired and i'd say let's just get our blankets and stuff and sleep  
peet wents: of course you would be tired ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you know what dan is right let's just go to sleep i mean it's already midnight  
peet wents: how old are we  
don't call me ashley: young at heart  
mikey bae: you're all so punk rock

northern george has changed the group name to „punk rock emos“

g way: no offense but emo is fucking garbage  
frnki: shh go to sleep babe  
g way: babe.....  
frnki: what  
g way: don't call me that  
don't call me ashley: old married couple  
frnki: shut up ash  
filip angel bean: good night jon try not to kill your mom or the stereo  
actually jon: sleep well y'all


	15. Chapter 15

### 15

northern george: why am i awake at 7a.m. and why is everyone else still sleeping  
northern george: pete talks in his sleep

1 video attached by northern george

northern george: i don't understand what he's saying  
northern george: please wake up i'm bored  
northern george: fuck it i'm getting up and stealing cereal from patrick's parents  
patrick no i'm not a tree: could you do that getting up in a less noisy way the next time  
dan the meme: i am literally going to kill you george ryan ross the third  
g way: i will join dan unless you immediately bring me coffee  
northern george: whoops seems like everyone is awake now  
frnki: you knocked over a fucking chair it was fucking loud of course we're awake  
bread man urine: except pete, that fucker is still peacefully asleep  
mikey bae: if you don't let him sleep i will find you and fight you  
patrick no i'm not a tree: awwwwww  
g way: why are YOU already up mikey  
mikey bae: i just woke up i don't know why it's probably my psychic connection with you  
don't call me ashley: you probably didn't know that i can make the best scrambled eggs in existence as well as amazing pancakes did you  
patrick no i'm not a tree: PANCAKES  
dan the meme: PANCAKES  
northern george: EGGS AND TOAST  
g way: i don't care but i need a cup of coffee right now  
frnki: i'm making you one, where do your parents store all that stuff patrick  
patrick no i'm not a tree: wait a second i'll help you

1 photo attached by don't call me ashley

bread man urine: HALSEY  
bread man urine: I FUCKIGN HATE YIU  
dan the meme: SHE THREW AN EGG AT HIS HEAD I'M SCREAMING  
bread man urine: REVENGE  
patrick no i'm not a meme: please stop destroying the kitchen or my parents will murder me


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who read until here, i seriously didn't think a single person would like this
> 
> trigger warning for this chapter: homophobia (it's a pretty sad chapter but it was necessary because there is actually... you might not believe it... some kind of storyline)

### 16

northern george: fuck fuck fuck  
northern george: fucking shit oh god  
filip angel bean: what happened? Are you okay?  
northern george: no  
northern george: i was at brendon's and we were kissing on the bed when his super religious mormon dad walked in  
peet wents: fuck  
patrick no i'm not a tree: what did he do  
northern george: he completely lost it, called him sick and a sinner and shouted that he never wants to see him in his house again unless he becomes normal again  
northern george: and then he hit him  
don't call me ashley: oh my god i'm so so sorry  
northern george: we're currently sitting in my car outside the house and brendon is shaking to much to type  
northern george: but he says don't worry about him it will be okay  
dan the meme: no it won't be okay homophobic parents aren't okay  
filip angel bean: tell him i'm hugging him  
dan the meme: same  
actually jon: same  
patrick no i'm not a tree: same  
frnki: we're all here for you  
don't call me ashley: if you need a place to stay until your dad has calmed down we have a room for guests in our house where no one ever sleeps  
don't call me ashley: i'm sure my parents would welcome you  
northern george: he was going to stay at my place but maybe that's actually a good idea because our flat is tiny  
northern george: he says he doesn't want to cause you trouble  
don't call me ashley: he wouldn't!!! not at all  
bread man urine: if it's okay i'd stay with ry for a few days until i feel a little better and then come to your place? only if it's not a problem  
don't call me ashley: no no not at all oh god i'm so sorry and if there's anything i can do to help i'm glad to do it  
bread man urine: i can't tell you how much it means that you all are so nice to me  
bread man urine: even if my real family is shit i still have you and you feel like family  
northern george: he's crying again  
don't call me ashley: same tbh


	17. Chapter 17

### 17

1 photo attached by peet wents

peet wents: on a date  
don't call me ashley: all those happy couples in the chat, it's depressing to be single  
northern george: you two are so cheesy??  
peet wents: you're just jealous ryry  
peet wents: we're goals you can't deny it  
mikey bae: yes, we are  
northern george: why would i be jealous, if i wanted to go to the park, take a romantic walk and have a picnic by the lake with brendon we'd do it  
bread man urine: it's just that we prefer spending our time doing nsfw stuff  
dan the meme: nsfw stuff  
bread man urine: yeah if we took the car to drive to the park we'd probably never leave the car just stay inside it and sin  
mikey bae: why not both  
peet wents: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

1 photo attached by peet wents

peet wents: the car is waiting ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
mikey bae: i think we'll be gone for the next twenty minutes or something bye guys  
g way: things you don't want to know about your brother: 1. this  
northern george: make sure to record it pete and mikey ;)  
g way: NO  
dan the meme: or just send regular updates via text message why don't you do that  
northern george: ...and they're gone  
don't call me ashley: i'd really like to know what their sex is like  
don't call me ashley: like... kinky shit or more cute flowery lovemaking  
don't call me ashley: who's top who's bottom  
bread man urine: asking the real questions  
patrick no i'm not a tree: just ask pete later i have no doubt that he will tell you in extensive detail  
actually jon: this chat is so dirty i'm just a friendly asexual trying to live life in peace  
bread man urine: other news  
bread man urine: i'm moving to halsey's house today  
bread man urine: her parents are really really nice, when i told them about my situation they were so sympathetic and all  
don't call me ashley: ♡ ♡ ♡  
northern george: i'm gonna miss feeling you next to me when i fall asleep, i've gotten used to it  
dan the meme: seriously and you call others out for being cheesy  
bread man urine: i'll miss you too :(  
don't call me ashley: of course you can visit if you want to ryan!! my parents sure don't have a problem with that either as long as you don't destroy furniture or anything  
bread man urine: maybe the bed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

dan the meme changed the group name to „stop using ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)“

1 photo attached by peet wents

peet wents: lookin fucked  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you know i love you and you're my otp but please... stop  
mikey bae: stop sending pictures of me like this dude  
g way: what's that on your neck mikey?? are you ok  
mikey bae: oh yeah he bit me  
mikey bae: it hurt a lot... but to be fair i did ask him to do so  
peet wents: and to answer your question ashley we take turns and this time it was my turn to top  
dan the meme: no one wants to know  
dan the meme: i'm kinkshaming you so hard rn  
peet wents: :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do they always end up talking about sex? ...i'm sorry. it's probably because they're teenagers.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *updates this trash instead of studying for the important test tomorrow*

### 18

don't call me ashley: undisclosed desires by muse is a song about dan and phil breathe if you agree suffocate if you disagree  
peet wents: *suffocates *  
bread man urine: true though  
filip angel bean: i love muse  
dan the meme: let's have sex to that song  
filip angel bean: k  
dan the meme: but  
filip angel bean: what  
dan the meme: no homo  
don't call me ashley: I'M SCR EAMING  
northern george: it wasn't that funny  
bread man urine: cheer up ry  
northern george: how could i when i'm alone without you after spending a week in your presence i miss your dumb ass  
bread man urine: oh baby i miss you too  
don't call me ashley: come here ryan!!  
northern george: i can't i have to do homework and then go to work i hate it  
bread man urine: but we'll meet in school tomorrow okay  
northern george: sigh okay  
peet wents: back to topic dan are you two dating now  
filip angel bean: yes  
dan the meme: yes <3  
dan the meme: we met the other day and we ordered food and played video games together and maybe made out little and decided that it's nice to spend time together so why not try dating  
peet wents: about time  
don't call me ashley: pete won't admit it but he's your shipper #1  
peet wents: that's not true  
mikey bae: it's true and we all know it pete  
peet wents: you too? I'm breaking up with you dude  
mikey bae: don't call me dude bro  
don't call me ashley: why is literally everyone in this chat in a relationship and i'm lonely  
actually jon: i'm not in a relationship  
patrick no i'm not a tree: why does everyone keep forgetting jon  
don't call me ashley: oh i'm so sorry!! you're aromantic though so you don't even want a romantic relationship  
actually jon: true  
patrick no i'm not a tree: so is there anyone you're interested in halsey? any crush?  
don't call me ashley: :')  
peet wents: WHO IS IT BITCH  
don't call me ashley: yes but i don't have a single chance  
peet wents: oh  
patrick no i'm not a tree: why do you think so? you're great  
don't call me ashley: i could be as great as i want but that doesn't change someone's sexuality  
don't call me ashley: if you're not into girls, you're not into girls  
filip angel bean: i'm so sorry i know that feeling too well  
dan the meme: trying not to be jealous  
filip angel bean: i'm talking about your closeted ass dan  
filip angel bean: until last friday i thought i'd never even have a chance with you  
dan the meme: ohh ok now trying not to cry tears of happiness  
don't call me ashley: you two are so cute who needs a relationship when you can witness dan and phil being in love


	19. Chapter 19

### 19

peet wents: i have a problem  
patrick no i'm not a tree: no one cares  
don't call me ashley: i care  
filip angel bean: i care too  
g way: i care too  
frnki: same  
northern george: i don't care  
patrick no i'm not a tree: okay i was just kidding what's the problem and how can we help you  
peet wents: you know my ex britney  
bread man urine: we do  
frnki: no actually i don't  
peet wents: that one bitch from our school  
don't call me ashley: she's in my year but don't slutshame  
peet wents: right and we dated for like a month half a year ago until i broke up with her because she was annoying as shit  
peet wents: but apparently she's still kind of in love with me for whatever reason and got angry when she saw me with mikey  
peet wents: and she sent a certain picture of me to all her friends and now everyone at school has seen it  
frnki: what kind of picture  
patrick no i'm not a tree: isn't that obvious frank  
frnki: oh you mean like nudes  
peet wents: yeah and i'm so embarrassed idk what to do  
bread man urine: i've seen it  
peet wents: so has everyone  
bread man urine: it's not a bad dick let's be real  
peet wents: that's not the point it's still embarrassing (thanks tho)  
northern george: um brendon?? my dick is better???  
peet wents: no offense ryan but your ego needs to chill  
northern george: die??  
dan the meme: don't worry pete we will fight her  
bread man urine: we will avenge you  
dan the meme: the force awakens  
filip angel bean: you star wars nerd meme i'm so in love with you  
dan the meme: i'm in love with you too nerd  
don't call me ashley: AWWWW GOALS


	20. Chapter 20

### 20

g way: i hate my body and want a different one  
frnki: omg i'm so sorry  
frnki: do you want me to come over and hug you  
filip angel bean: if you want to talk about anything i'm here for you  
bread man urine: believe me you're cute  
g way: wait no i didn't mean it like that  
g way: you all thought i mean that like i think i'm ugly and hate myself  
g way: well that's true too but actually i was talking about something different  
g way: my cat allergy, i wanted to pet a cat and i started sneezing and coughing and i hate it because i'll never be an old cat lady  
filip angel bean: there are cats that are suitable for people with allergies  
frnki: dogs are better anyway  
g way: um no frank?? they're not????  
frnki: what are you kidding me dogs are the best  
g way: they're okay but cats are a lot better  
frnki: cats are from hell and dogs are from heaven  
frnki: i'm sorry but if you're a cat person i'm breaking up with you  
g way: you're right there is just no future for us if you don't want to get a cat  
frnki: so this is it   
frnki: the end.  
g way: who would've thought it would come down to this  
don't call me ashley: DON'T BREAK UP??????!!!!!!!  
don't call me ashley: PLEASE  
frnki: chill we're just joking  
g way: or are we????  
g way: (yes)  
g way: wouldn't leave this fucker for all the cats in the world tbh   
g way: and i'm actually okay with dogs as long as they aren't bigger than me  
frnki: i love you  
frnki: ugh cheesy did i just really say that  
don't call me ashley: yeah you did <3  
dan the meme: love is in the air


	21. Chapter 21

### 21

peet wents: so operation revenge on britney is taking place tomorrow!!!  
frnki: three cheers  
g way: for sweet revenge  
dan the meme: what are you going to do i seem to have missed the planning  
peet wents: oh there is no plan i'm just gonna wing it and you'll help me obviously  
northern george: not so sure about that  
dan the meme: but what do you want to do??  
peet wents: idk any ideas guys?  
dan the meme: you're seriously saying you want to do it tomorrow but don't even know what  
peet wents: yeah lol  
filip angel bean: you could put some smelly disgusting cheese in her car or locker or something  
dan the meme: your name isn't true any more please change it to devil bean or something  
filip hell bean: k  
dan the meme: no that feels wrong please change it back  
filip angel bean: because it's you  
dan the meme: <3  
bread man urine: no you need to do something more punk rock  
dan the meme: hack her tumblr  
northern george: spray paint her house  
peet wents: that's good ryan  
northern george: i wasn't serious  
peet wents: but it's a good idea!!!  
peet wents: i'm doing this  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i'm not helping you  
filip angel bean: that's illegal and if you get caught...  
peet wents: i'm doing it and y'all are going to help me and you know it  
bread man urine: i'm in!!  
northern george: i'm driving the getaway car  
dan the meme: ok i'm in too but only if we do it on a different day because i have a physics test the day after tomorrow  
northern george: punk rock  
peet wents: ok idc let's say saturday when she isn't at home probably  
dan the meme: ok


	22. Chapter 22

### 22

actually jon has been removed from the chat  
filip angel bean has been removed from the chat  
g way has been removed from the chat  
frnki has been removed from the chat

peet wents: only the loyal friends left now :)  
dan the meme: pete find your chill  
patrick no i'm not a tree: just because they're not coming on your mission tonight?? really chill  
northern george: salt level over 3000  
peet wents: okay okay i wasn't serious

filip angel bean has joined the chat, invited by dan the meme

filip angel bean: wtf

actually jon has joined the chat, invited by patrick no i'm not a tree  
g way has joined the chat, invited by mikey bae  
frnki has joined the chat, invited by peet wents

frnki: thanks pete  
peet wents: you can come back but we're NOT sending updates tonight if you want to miss the fun that's your problem  
patrick no i'm not a tree: why are you so full of rage today, is everything alright?  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you didn't have a fight with mikey or anything did you??  
mikey bae: um i'm in the chat too and no  
don't call me ashley: but it's true he almost slapped me when i ate one of his fries today  
peet wents: it's just annoying that literally everyone in school has seen my dick and keeps joking about it  
bread man urine: why would they joke about it, it's a fine dick  
peet wents: people just walk up to me all the time and say dick related things  
peet wents: it was funny at first but now i want to punch everyone in the face who talks to me  
northern george: punch britney in the face instead because this is her fault   
peet wents: i will  
bread man urine: you're going to get your revenge don't worry


	23. Chapter 23

### 23

peet wents: it's time!!!!  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i can't believe we're actually doing this  
northern george: i can't believe you persuaded all of us  
dan the meme: so for everyone that isn't here: brendon, ryan, patrick, halsey and me are sitting in petes tiny car  
dan the meme: and pete obviously  
filip angel bean: all of you? in one car??  
patrick no i'm not a tree: yup, i got the front seat and the others are crammed in the back  
northern george: i am sitting in brenny's lap which is why he can't type  
don't call me ashley: and dan and i are sitting VERY close  
filip angel bean: don't steal my boyfriend please  
dan the meme: don't worry bby  
dan the meme: also pete had the idea of wearing black make up but no one except him wanted to look ridiculous  
peet wents: excuse you i don't look ridiculous

1 photo attached by peet wents

frnki: that's the most emo thing i've ever seen  
frnki: you have reached maximum emo, you can go no further  
peet wents: thanks  
don't call me ashley: we're about to leave the car, mission revenge is starting!!  
northern george: me and brendon are staying behind, the getaway car drivers  
patrick no i'm not a tree: something tells me that it isn't the best idea to leave those two alone  
northern george: please dude just trust us  
bread man urine: they are outside and i am finally free of ryan's bony ass in my lap  
northern george: exCUSE ME  
bread man urine: but to be fair you are a lightweight and weren't very painful to carry  
bread man urine: 7.5/10 would let you sit in my lap again  
northern george: sorry but i sit in your lap all the time??  
bread man urine: yeah but  
northern george: but what  
bread man urine: nothing  
frnki: is the dream couple having a crisis?  
northern george: ...anyway they're kind of standing outside the house not very subtly i just hope no one is home because in that case they will be discovered in a moment  
bread man urine: pete is spraying something  
mikey bae: what is he spraying?  
bread man urine: a dick  
northern george: seriously how old is this guy  
mikey bae: that's my boy  
bread man urine: he is writing something beside it

1 photo attached by northern george

frnki: „britney sucks every cock“??  
g way: art  
mikey bae: mature as always  
mikey bae: (jk i love his dumb sense of humor)  
peet wents: i love you too baby!!!   
don't call me ashley: mission accomplished  
dan the meme: we just walked in on brendon and ryan half undressed in the passenger seat wtf  
frnki: they were literally just texting like five minutes ago how  
patrick no i'm not a tree: i told you it wasn't a good idea to leave them alone, you're lucky we didn't need to escape quickly  
peet wents: you're shitty getaway car drivers and will never get this job again  
northern george: um sorry but it was obvious you didn't need to escape because no one was at home  
patrick no i'm not a tree: still irresponsible af  
dan the meme: and i didn't really want to see this with my poor virgin eyes  
filip angel bean: …. dan …. “virgin eyes”.....  
dan the meme: what are you trying to say  
filip angel bean: nothing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
peet wents: anyway that was great i am glad to finally have avenged the insult i had to suffer


	24. Chapter 24

### 24

peet wents: guess who wasn't at school today lol  
mikey bae: if you'd told me i would've skipped with you dude  
patrick no i'm not a tree: but you were there??? stop lying peter  
dan the meme: why the fuck u lyin....  
northern george: because lying is the most fun a boy can have without taking his clothes off am i right  
bread man urine: but it's better if you do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
peet wents: no no stop i wasn't talking about myself i mean my shitty ex  
don't call me ashley: oh yeah i heard that, all the girls were gossiping about it at lunch  
peet wents: nice!  
don't call me ashley: ngl i feel kind of sorry for her  
northern george: you have too much empathy halsey  
peet wents: yeah i mean she deserved it  
don't call me ashley: still... i think it's not okay to shame someone for having sex? i mean as i said before... it's called slutshaming and it's what you did. as a feminist i cant approve of that  
don't call me ashley: sending nudes to someone else is not okay either obviously but still  
peet wents: Your Fave Is Problematic™  
peet wents: and i like it  
problematic peter: changed my name  
dan the meme: i hate you so much pete  
don't call me ashley: and idk if i've said it already but also they all knew it was you who sprayed her house  
northern george: i mean it was kind of obvious right  
problematic peter: oh shit do you think i'm gonna go to jail because of it?  
northern george: that would be funny  
problematic peter: yeah lol as long as i don't have to pick up the soap  
mikey bae: wanna come over and pick up the soap? ;)  
mikey bae: my parents aren't home  
g way: no please do not  
g way: the walls in this house are not soundproof  
problematic peter: i'm coming over and i'm gonna be extra loud just to annoy you  
g way: frank can i take refuge in your house  
frnki: yep i was just about to start watching kill bill but i'll wait for you  
g way: love you  
dan the meme: kill bill and chill


	25. Chapter 25

### 25

don't call me ashley: i hate valentine's day i hate hate hate it  
don't call me ashley: i know i'm probably not going to get sympathy from any of your married asses but i'll still complain alright  
actually jon: do you want me to hug you  
don't call me ashley: no well actually yes that would be nice because i'm at home all alone, listening to lana and crying  
don't call me ashley: brendon left with ryan an hour ago and i don't know where they are and i don't want to be alone today but there's no one i can meet because they're all on dates  
filip angel bean: didn't you get a valentine's card? i thought i'd seen you with one today at school (not stalking you i swear, just coincidence)  
don't call me ashley: yeah but it was anonymous and probably just someone making fun of me  
filip angel bean: why don't you think it's serious?  
don't call me ashley: who would have a crush on me....  
actually jon: i would, if i was into girls, because you're really great  
don't call me ashley: thanks :(  
problematic peter: so do you have any idea who wrote it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
don't call me ashley: no, writing looks like a girl's, but it doesn't matter anyway because it's definitely not the only person i'm interested in  
problematic peter: WHO IS THAT  
problematic peter: either say who it is or stop mentioning that mystery person it's annoying not to know  
don't call me ashley: you know what nevermind forget it it's not important how are your dates going

1 photo attached by problematic peter

problematic peter: chilling with the bae  
mikey bae: …. i would tell you to stop but....  
problematic peter: you secretly like it ;)  
mikey bae: i was going to say because it's valentine's day but actually..... i really do like it  
problematic peter: i mean you wouldn't be dating me if you didn't like me. the good sides and the bad sides. my aesthetic blog and my shitposts.  
mikey bae: true <3  
don't call me ashley: ahhhhhhhhhh go away you happy married couples not todaaaay  
mikey bae: sorry


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to post this a few days ago but i was busy being stressed out and feeling terrible, i'm sorry

### 26

northern george has left the chat

don't call me ashley: fuck fuck oh fuck fzck fuck  
problematic peter: waddup buddy  
don't call me ashley: we fucked up  
patrick no i'm not a tree: what happened  
filip angel bean: and who is we  
don't call me ashley: bren and me  
bread man urine: fuck  
dan the meme: JUST SAY WHAT HAPPENED GOD  
don't call me ashley: we may have made a VERY BIG mistake  
problematic peter: lol did you fuck each other or smth  
bread man urine: :^)  
dan the meme: WHAT  
patrick no i'm not a tree: WHAT  
frnk: WHAT   
problematic peter: wtf aren't you gay dude  
bread man urine: yeah...  
don't call me ashley: look i can explain  
bread man urine: we were hanging out in her room and drinking and listening to music  
bread man urine: and she said wouldn't it be funny if we had sex lol and i was like yea lol and it kind of happened  
don't call me ashley: but because of the alcohol we had forgotten that ryan had said he'd visit later  
bread man urine: and he just turned around and ran away without a word and left every group chat  
bread man urine: he hates me  
patrick no i'm not a tree: omg  
problematic peter: this is shit my dudes  
patrick no i'm not a tree: you need to talk to him about it  
bread man urine: halsey is sitting on the floor crying and i'm about to do the same  
don't call me ashley: I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS I NEVER MEANT TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP  
dan the meme: wait a second halsey.... didn't you mention being in love with someone who doesn't like girls a while ago?  
don't call me ashley: fuck you remember that??  
bread man urine: oh no don't say you were talking about me  
don't call me ashley: :^)  
bread man urine: oh fuck oh fuck it's even worse than i thought


	27. Chapter 27

### 27

don't call me ashley: we're at ryan's house and he isn't opening the door  
patrick no i'm not a tree: wait did you drive drunk?? don't do that  
don't call me ashley: no, we walked  
bread man urine: i don't feel drunk at all  
dan the meme: keep ringing until he doesn't have a choice but let you in  
patrick no i'm not a tree: if you want me to i can text or call him and tell him how sorry you are  
bread man urine: no i have to do this myself, i fucked it up and i have to apologise myself  
problematic peter: i can't believe how badly you fucked up bro  
bread man urine: me neither oh god  
don't call me ashley: he opened, we're in  
don't call me ashley: he looked really angry and told me to wait outside while he and brendon are talking  
problematic peter: damn this is exciting  
g way: don't call it exciting like it's some tv show  
frnki: yeah this is serious  
problematic peter: sorry  
don't call me ashley: i'm about to cry guys ryan is shouting something i don't understand  
don't call me ashley: i'm the reason my otp breaks up oh no oh no  
filip angel bean: keep calm they haven't broken up yet  
actually jon: everything is going to be okay  
dan the meme: i mean they're so in love sure they're not going to break up because of this...?  
filip angel bean: well what would you do if i cheated on you  
dan the meme: cry  
don't call me ashley: let's face it that was a shitt y thing to do, we both fucked up and it's fully understandable that ry is angry  
don't call me ashley: i'm more guilty because i suggested it in the first place  
problematic peter: noo don't blame yourself  
problematic peter: it's like that paradise story  
problematic peter: the woman tells the man to eat the apple but it's his fault as well because he gives in  
frnki: why are you bringing up the bible now  
problematic peter: idk that was inappropriate wasn't it  
frnki: yep  
don't call me ashley: the shouting has stopped and they're still inside but i can't hear anything  
patrick no i'm not a tree: go inside  
dan the meme: make sure to knock though  
dan the meme: you never know with those two  
frnki: tbh i don't think now is the right time for fucking  
g way: where is she  
problematic peter: so much tension  
patrick no i'm not a tree: it's been fifteen minutes, is that a good sign or a bad sign  
don't call me ashley: okay update. they talked about it all and ryan said he can't trust him anymore right now so they're not dating anymore  
don't call me ashley: butthey're trying to stay friends  
patrick no i'm not a tree: this is the saddest thing ever oh my god  
dan the meme: i'm sad too rip ryden  
filip angel bean: are you okay brendon?  
bread man urine: yeah well i... no but i'm going to be ok nevermind

northern george has joined the chat, invited by don't call me ashley


	28. Chapter 28

### 28

problematic peter: why the fuck isn't tomb pronounced like bomb  
northern george: this chat has been dead for almost a week and this is what you choose to say to revive it  
problematic peter: well it was you and your bf who killed it  
dan the meme: that was inappropriate pete  
problematic peter: sorry  
problematic peter: livin up to my name  
don't call me ashley: there's the word womb to, it's also pronounced like tomb so the question should be why isn't bomb pronounced like womb and tomb  
don't call me ashley: boooomb  
actually jon: why the fuck are you all awake at three am  
dan the meme: because i'm not sleeping  
northern george: wow dan that's deep  
problematic peter: why are YOU awake jon  
actually jon: i've been watching game of thrones with this guy  
don't call me ashley: this guy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
actually jon: yeah i've been hanging out with him for a couple months now and he's really cool and all and i love him  
don't call me ashley: a couple months??? and we never knew??  
problematic peter: did i miss something... aren't you aro ace....  
actually jon: have y'all ever heard of queerplatonic relationships?  
dan the meme: i'm a tumblr gremlin but i've never heard of that  
northern george: me neither but it sounds gay  
actually jon: basically it's like friendship but better  
problematic peter: friends with benefits  
actually jon: ….... no  
actually jon: well in a way yes but not the kind of benefits you mean  
don't call me ashley: why is everyone in here so ignorant and doesn't know about that  
actually jon: we live in a world where romantic relationships are considered more important than platonic ones  
actually jon: and asexual erasure ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
don't call me ashley: true... but anyway i'd say welcome to the chat, whoever you are, jon's friend with platonic benefits

spence smith has joined the chat, invited by actually jon

spence smith: hi flip flops man and friends  
actually jon: i told you to stop calling me that  
northern george: flip flops man....?  
actually jon: IT WAS LITERALLY JUST THAT ONE TIME BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO WEAR ANYTHING ELSE  
spence smith: we met in a library for the first time and he was wearing flip flops although it was freezing outside... i couldn't help but comment on that  
actually jon: don't make it sound like you made a badass funny comment... you asked me if i needed shoes and looked ready to give me yours  
don't call me ashley: that's so cute wtf  
actually jon: yes and then he was like, don't think i'm trying to hit on you i'm ace, and i was like dude me too  
spence smith: and since that day we have been forming our small asexual resistance against the world  
dan the meme: why did you never mention that jon... you're so secretive  
actually jon: i forgot  
problematic peter: forgot... of course.,,,, you just don't like us that's why  
actually jon: that's true too  
dan the meme: gasp


	29. Chapter 29

### 29

patrick no i'm not a tree: GUYS SOMETHING HAPPENED  
g way: WHAT  
patrick no i'm not a tree: I WAS JUST CHILLING WITH PETE AT HIS HOUSE AND SUDDENLY HIS MOM CAME INTO THE ROOM LOOKING ANGRY AS HECK AND SAID THAT THE POLICE HAD CALLED  
dan the meme: wowza  
patrick no i'm not a tree: HE LEFT THE ROOM TO TALK TO HER OR THE PHONE IDK AND I'M HERE ALONE AND DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING  
spence smith: what?? why the police??  
don't call me ashley: oh right you weren't here when that happened... well basically pete had a small war with his ex and spray painted her house  
frnki: and it was very obvious that it was him who did it  
northern george: i knew it was a stupid thing to do  
spence smith: no offense but that's actually really dumb why  
don't call me ashley: she leaked his dick pic  
spence smith: oh well in that case i sort of understand it  
patrick no i'm not a tree: THE DOORBELL RANG I THINK IT'S THE POLICE AND THEY'RE TALKING TO HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HELP  
dan the meme: please stop yelling i have a headache  
patrick no i'm not a tree: ((yells quietly))  
patrick no i'm not a tree: he just returned, looking broken  
problematic peter: they're gonna fine me  
don't call me ashley: oh i'm sorry  
problematic peter: i admitted it, lying would'nt have had a point  
northern george: at least it's not jail  
problematic peter: and my mom hates me now, she says she isn't going to pay a cent of the fine and that means i'll have to get a job.... i'm gonna die......  
northern george: it won't hurt you to move your lazy ass dude  
dan the meme: what do we learn from that story kids  
bread man urine: don't do drugs  
dan the meme: wtf  
patrick no i'm not a tree: oh brendon glad to see you're alive  
bread man urine: am i alive... or am i just existing... i don't know  
problematic peter: okay anyway what we learn is that you have to be more sneaky with your revenge on shitty exes  
dan the meme: i was actually going for “forgive people instead of seeking revenge because you're only going to damage yourself”  
dan the meme: but i guess you're right  
don't call me ashley: i agree with dan's sentence  
problematic peter: you're lame


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in all honesty why are you reading this

### 30

bread man urine: your fave is problematic: halsey  
bread man urine: - eats pasta with nutella  
bread man urine: that's all but it's bad enough  
don't call me ashley: mUST YOU KINKSHAME ME IN MY OWN HOUSE  
dan the meme: you disgust me please leave  
filip angel bean: dan yesterday you put orange juice in your cereal because you had realised that milk comes from a cow's nipples and didn't want to drink it anymore i don't think you're in the position to judge anyone  
dan the meme: must YOU kinkshame me... i thought we were friends...  
problematic peter: “friends”  
northern george: so you still live at halsey's house brendon?  
bread man urine: yeah i still haven't worked up the courage to contact my parents again  
northern george: oh  
bread man urine: but honestly there is nothing going on, we're not... anything. you might not believe it but i'm actually gay  
northern george: you're right, i don't believe it. it did look a little different when i walked in on you  
bread man urine: i was drunk and curious, really, it made me realize for sure that i'm not into girls  
don't call me ashley: ...thanks a lot????  
bread man urine: i'm sorry halsey it's not because of you  
bread man urine: ryan seriously believe me i love you and i'm sorry about what i did  
northern george: can we please not talk about this in the fucking group chat  
problematic peter: you two keep ruining the fun mood in here  
dan the meme: i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked rn  
patrick no i'm not a tree: anyone have any cool news then?  
don't call me ashley: maybe,,,,  
problematic peter: i need to get a job but i don't know where to start looking  
patrick no i'm not a tree: halsey??  
don't call me ashley: :)))  
don't call me ashley: remember that mysterious valentine's card i got  
patrick no i'm not a tree: yea  
don't call me ashley: well it wasn't a troll after all the girl who wrote it asked me out but i'm not really sure if i should go on a date with her because it might be kind of unfair because i'm not sure if i can fall in love with someone new at the moment??  
patrick no i'm not a tree: maybe you should just give it a try! it could help you get over it  
problematic peter: just fuck her  
don't call me ashley: yeah thanks for the advice pete  
g way: but tell us about her, what's her name, is she cute,..?  
don't call me ashley: her name's sarah, she's in my year and yeah she's really cute and pretty and nice and all that  
g way: sounds good  
don't call me ashley: and she said she'd been crushing on me for months but never said anything and i feel kind of bad i didn't notice her earlier...  
patrick no i'm not a tree: don't feel bad about it! it's not your fault you never noticed her, but you can give her a chance now  
dan the meme: *shia laboeuf* voice just DO IT  
don't call me ashley: you're right, i'll call her and say yes  
g way: you go girl!!


	31. Chapter 31

### 31

don't call me ashley: guess who's got a daaaate !!!!!  
spence smith: well done!!  
don't call me ashley: today in the evening ahhhh  
bread man urine: i've decided that i want to go talk to my parents  
don't call me ashley: oh what  
g way: oh do you feel ready now?  
bread man urine: not really but i don't think i'll ever be and i have to do it at some point anyway so why not now  
don't call me ashley: i'll come with you, in case something happens  
frnki: do you think he would hit you again?  
bread man urine: i hope not lmao  
dan the meme: that's not funny  
bread man urine: i know it was a desperate lmao  
northern george: do you want me to come too? i mean it's sort of my fault  
bread man urine: no way!!!! if he sees us together he might get angry again  
don't call me ashley: you can wait in the car ryan if you want to  
northern george: yeah maybe  
problematic peter: i ship it  
dan the meme: shut up pete

1 photo attached by problematic peter

problematic peter: when my immortal by evanescence comes on and you're not ready  
mikey bae: why am i dating you  
problematic peter: we both know why baby  
dan the meme: please discuss this somewhere else we have a more important problem right now  
bread man urine: thx dan  
dan the meme: no problem mate do you want me to accompany you for emotional support  
filip angel bean: in that case i'm coming too  
bread man urine: that would be nice you're both true angel beans and pure cinnamon rolls  
filip angel bean: don't tell anyone but i'm actually a sinnamon roll  
problematic peter: we know that ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
don't call me ashley: do you want to go now or later..?  
bread man urine: i'd say let's go now, get it over with  
dan the meme: they're not at church or something?  
don't call me ashley: it's two pm on a saturday i don't think so  
dan the meme: with those religious people you never know  
bread man urine: no they should be home  
don't call me ashley: we're picking you up on the way dan and phil okay  
dan the meme: k  
filip angel bean: yeah  
bread man urine: i'm scared


	32. Chapter 32

### 32

dan the meme: okay so we're at the house now and ryan was waiting here for some reason  
northern george: yeah here i am,,, hi  
problematic peter: i still ship r*den  
northern george: r*den  
patrick no i'm not a tree: same  
problematic peter: aren't you supposed to be on a date with your gf patrick?  
patrick no i'm not a tree: yeah.... i can still use my phone you know... no reason to be bitchy pete  
dan the meme: he's just jealous  
mikey bae: um  
dan the meme: pete used to have a crush on patty until he found out that he's straight™  
mikey bae: you never told me about that....  
problematic peter: haha forget it we're just friends now am i right patrick  
patrick no i'm not a tree: yeah right don't worry about it mikey  
patrick no i'm not a tree: and good luck brendon!!  
mikey bae: we're going to talk about this later pete  
problematic peter: ok  
don't call me ashley: so me and brendon are at the door  
bread man urine: *throwback to when we were at ryan's door*  
don't call me ashley: it always ends with the two of us at a door right  
bread man urine: deep  
dan the meme: the rest of us are waiting in the car  
northern george: they went inside  
dan the meme: this is intense  
don't call me ashley: omg we're back and it went so well!! brebdon tell them  
bread man urine: he said that he was sorry he had beaten me and he had thought about it and realised that he had overreacted because though it may be unnatural and sinful we're not harming anyone except ourselves and if we go to hell he can't do anything about it so he doesn't care anymore  
dan the meme: that's.. kinda...... idk weird  
bread man urine: it's more than i hoped for  
bread man urine: and they also let me move in with them again  
don't call me ashley: i'm going to miss you ;-;  
northern george: can we talk bren pls  
bread man urine: yeah just go ahead you're sitting in the car with me  
northern george: i mean, like... alone  
problematic peter: …. what.... i'm not saying anything...... *coughs* ryden  
don't call me ashley: they disappeared around the corner and we can't see them anymore  
dan the meme: let's stalk them i am a fan of stalking  
filip angel bean: yeah i can confirm that  
problematic peter: five bucks that they're kissing  
patrick no i'm not a tree: no one's gonna bet against that  
problematic peter: true :/  
dan the meme: they're returning  
don't call me ashley: they're holding hands and smiling!!!!! i'm screaming bye  
northern george: chill guys

northern george has changed the group name to “ryden shippers”

problematic peter: wHAT does this MEAN  
bread man urine: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
northern george: yeah  
don't call me ashley: you got back together!! im cry  
northern george: exactly  
problematic peter: not gonna say i told you but i told you  
g way: frank you owe me ten  
frnki: fuck


	33. Chapter 33

### 33

dan the meme: remember how most of us were single/lonely when this chat started and now..  
patrick no i'm not a tree: now we have ryden, petekey, phan, The Asexual Alliance™, married couple, and possibly halsey and sarah  
frnki: you've forgotten us  
frnki: oh wait are we married couple  
bread man urine: lol i had forgotten i started the chat to come out to you and like half of today's members weren't even in it  
g way: yes we only joined later but i'm really glad we did i'm having fun in here even though pete is kind of annoying sometimes  
problematic peter: hey.......  
g way: jk (no)  
dan the meme: back then i thought i was straight... lmao i went from #nohomo to #veryhomo

1 photo attached by don't call me ashley

don't call me ashley: i'm in the club with sarah guys!!  
problematic peter: holy shit she's hot  
don't call me ashley: hands off  
mikey bae: yep hands off pete  
don't call me ashley: she says thanks though  
don't call me ashley: this guy told us to make out again because it's like free porn im going to throw up that's so disgusting  
patrick no i'm not a tree: so did you kiss??  
don't call me ashley: yes yes like fifteen minutes ago when we were dancing (now we're just sitting here)  
don't call me ashley: girls like girls by hayley kiyoko came on and i kissed her because it was so fitting  
don't call me ashley: that song is my gay jam  
don't call me ashley: that song and girls/girls/boys by panic! at the disco  
problematic peter: same  
northern george: wait how is it supposed to be possible that the song exists when we aren't even a band in this  
bread man urine: everything is possible in fanfiction ryan that's why it's called fiction  
g way: what the fuck is happening  
dan the meme: sTOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL OHMYGOD  
dan the meme: i just realised that by saying that i'm bREAKING IT MYSELF HELP ME  
frnki: we now know we're nothing more than letters on a screen, words from the mind of a weirdo. that's it, we have become self-aware and need to be stopped.   
dan the meme: are you sure? it's going to be a disappointing ending for readers if we stop now, isn't it?  
problematic peter: let's face it. the entire thing was a disappointment from the first to the last word and i'm kinkshaming everyone who's read this entire mess  
dan the meme: well then, fittingly, a weird messy ending to a weird trash mess  
problematic peter: okay, bye reader  
mikey bae: bye  
spence smith: bye, i had a short but good time in here  
actually jon: bye  
dan the meme: any meaningful last sentences to our readers?  
filip angel bean: i love you. both reader and dan. bye  
northern george: ryden was real, bye  
bread man urine: true. bye!  
patrick no i'm not a tree: bye  
frnki: bye  
g way: farewell  
don't call me ashley: goodbye  
dan the meme: see you


End file.
